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Centered Enthusiasm

March 29, 2009 By Leave a Comment

I have a feeling. The baby buds of a feeling, if you want me to share the specifics. It’s an itty-bitty hint. A twinkling inkling.

Know what it is? I feel like a corner has been turned.

I feel like things are getting better.

Maybe it’s spring that’s doing it. There’s that moment in winter — some bitter Tuesday in February — when all the trees are bare and look dead, but you know within each dormant tree are all the hopeful buds of spring. All those potential leaves and blooms and fruits are inside that tree, just waiting for the right moment to unfurl.

And that’s what today feels like to me. The world is unfurling.

I am going to hold on to that feeling and let it take me past the anxiety, past the worry and past the relentless drumbeat of bad news.

Last Friday’s free class on dealing with anxiety around the roller coaster economy, vanishing jobs and the uncertain world touched on this subject. If you’d like to listen to the recording of the session, go to www.lifeframeworks.com and click the play button just below my photo.

In the call, I cover 10 Things You Can Do Right Now To Stop Freaking Out. Catchy, huh? Number 8 “Be with positive people” prompted a couple of questions — how do you deal with negative or toxic people?

First, you have to identify the negative people in your life. They may be so close to you that you’re not even aware of their negativity — because they’re your husband, your wife, your mom, your best friend. Who’s negative? If you walk away from an interchange with them and you feel depleted, discouraged and generally down — they’re likely negative. If you mention something positive and they immediately turn it toward the dark side — they’re likely negative. If they use a lot of words like “can’t”, “won’t” and “shouldn’t” — negative.

Once you know who the negative people are, you can do the second thing. Which is: limit your exposure to them. “My husband? Limit my exposure to him? Exactly how?” you ask. I like the technique I learned when my kids were in the Terrible Twos — simply say, “Gosh, sounds like you’re really upset and need some time to get a handle on things. I’m going to go into the next room, and when you’re ready to talk calmly, come get me.” Then you smile and give a virtual pat on the head and go fold laundry.

Negativity usually stems from fears. And some of those fears are real, and some are imagined. For instance, were I to stand face to face with a bear my heart rate would climb, my mind would race, I’d sweat buckets, I would panic, I might even whimper a teeny-tiny bit. Those would all be normal reactions to facing a bear. However, I can have pretty much the same physical reactions by simply imagining that I’m standing in front of a bear. Ain’t no bear in the neighborhood, but I’m behaving as if there is one. Why do that?

Some people imagine a charging bear because they like the adrenaline rush. Some people imagine something terrible because it reinforces the negative view they have of the world. And some people imagine the worst because it gives them something to focus on.

I’ll tell you one thing: when you focus on the negative, you generally find it. And if you’re surrounded on every side by negativity, all you’ll see is the bad. You’ll never see the happy buds of spring, you’ll just see dead, lifeless trees.

Dadgummit, I am going to see the buds. I’m going to be happy. Because I feel happy. Not wishful, magical-thinking happy, but what I call “centered enthusiasm” — I know what’s going on in my world, and I’m still eager, enthusiastic and positive. Feels really right.

Why don’t you try centered enthusiasm this week, and see if it doesn’t shift your mood from negative to positive, from dark to light, from dormant to joyful blossoming blooms?

Go ahead — allow the unfurling to begin.

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What’s Your Why?

February 8, 2009 By 3 Comments



Let’s face it. It’s a scary world out there. People are losing their homes, and losing their jobs. In fact, unemployment in the U.S. hasn’t been this widespread since 1974.

Think — babies born in 1974 are 35 years old today. Probably married. Probably a couple of kids. Couple of credit cards. Car payments. Mortgage. Bills.

Thirty-five year olds have no frame of reference for what’s going on now. My guess is they figured home values would always go up, as would salaries, bonuses and retirement plans. When up, up, up turns to down, down, down — it’s a frightening, unsettling experience.

Even folks with jobs who pay their mortgages on time are feeling beseiged, as if at any minute they could be in trouble, too. We feel powerless. The rug has been pulled out from underneath, or is about to be tugged violently. What’s the purpose of life if you lose everything you’ve worked your whole life to achieve? Where’s the meaning in that?

This week I picked up an old favorite to re-read — Viktor Frankl’s book Man’s Search For Meaning. Frankl, an Austrian psychiatrist, was imprisoned in Auschwitz and Dachau, and he writes eloquently about his harrowing experiences in the death camps. It was through unimaginable suffering that Frankl was able to find meaning not only in his life, but to fully understand how others find meaning in theirs.

Frankl suggests that meaning and purpose is derived from having a why. Why live? Why suffer? Why keep putting one foot in front of the other? In the camps, Frankl discovered, survival of the inmates was completely dependent on having a why: “Whenever there was an opportunity for it, one had to give them a why — an aim — for their lives, in order to strengthen them to bear the terrible how of their existence.”

Frankl says our why is always one of three things: doing something, loving someone, or rising above yourself by turning tragedy into triumph.

Now, I have to say this. Losing your job is not the same as being in Dachau. Even in 1974, people ultimately found new jobs. Losing your home? Not Auschwitz. But these are certainly tough times. To survive, you have to know your own personal why.

And if you’re stuck, struggling, hurting, depressed… you especially need to get in touch with your why and let it guide your life.

Ask yourself, what’s my reason for being here? Is there something you need to accomplish? Someone whose life you cherish? Is your why to parent your children into independent adulthood? Is it to love and support your spouse? Is it to take this very difficult time — to be willing to lose everything you’ve worked for — and emerge stronger, more confident, and wiser?

All of these are excellent whys. And when you have your why fixed firmly in your mind, you can do more than endure. You can move forward and thrive.

You not only can. You will.

Filed Under: Career Coaching, Clarity Tagged With: , , , 3 Comments

How To Make A Budget

October 17, 2008 By Leave a Comment


Lotsa talk about money these days. Tightening the old belt. Sticking to the old budget. But how can you stick to a budget when you don’t actually have one? Good question, huh?

Financial health is easy — there are just three questions you have to answer: What have you spent in the past? What do you make? How much can you spend in the future?

So, take out three blank pieces of paper. On the top of one, write “Actuals”. On the second piece, write, “Income” and on the third, write “Spending Plan.”

Actuals: To figure out your actual spending, you’ll need to look at the past three months. Take out your past three checking account statements and credit card statements. On the Actuals sheet of paper, make categories: Housing Expense (mortgage/rent; utilities; repairs), Food Expense (groceries; eating out), Transportation expense (car payment; insurance; gas; maintenance), Clothing Expense, and Other. If you have your own, particular big spending category, such as Education or Medical care, go ahead and list those expenses in a category of your own design.

Now, look at your expenses in each category for the last three months — add each up and get an average monthly cost. Write down the average monthly spending by category, and get your total.

Somewhere on this sheet of paper, write down the balance for each credit card you own and note your average monthly payment and the interest rate on every account. Think back to the entire year — did you have any big one-time expenses, like vacations, or orthodonture, or rebuilding a 1965 VW Beetle? Make a note of those expenses, too.

Now, let’s move to Income.

On the Income sheet, write down your monthly income — what you take home after all deductions. If, like me, you have your own business and income fluctuates, make an average of the last three months. If you have a regular income, this part should be easy.

Now, look at the total on your Actuals compared to the total Income.

How does it look?

If your income exceeds your expenses, you’re doing great and can continue to the Spending Plan at your own discretion.

If your expenses exceed your income, honey, we’ve got a little work to do. You can either increase your income or reduce your spending. Just a note here — if you’re not doing everything you can right now to maximize your income, you need to start doing so right away. That may mean you have to start taking a different kind of client (those who pay are a good start), or ask for a raise, or take a different job. If you’re working at a discount, you’re not doing yourself any favors.

Let’s look at reducing your spending. On the top of the Spending Plan sheet of paper, make a note of how much you need to trim from your expenses to come into line with your income. Start by transferring the information from Actuals. If possible, break out as much detail as you can in each category — utilities, for instance, would be electric, cable, phone, natural gas/heating oil, water/sewer/trash, etc.

OK, so where is the largest expense you can control? Maybe you can lower your transportation expense by using less gasoline, changing the deductible on your insurance, taking the bus or subway, or washing your own car. You may be able to reduce your food costs by eating out less, buying what you know you’ll eat — which may mean the shopping duties go to the most disciplined person in the house.

Let’s say, for the sake of argument, that you have some cash on hand. Take a look at those credit cards — target the lowest balance with the highest interest rate and pay that sucker off first. Should free up your monthly cash flow.

On the sheet of paper, make a new target for your spending in each category.

You’re not done yet, darlings. Now, the hard part.

Total your projected expenses. Add twenty percent. “But,” you gasp, “If I do that, my budget won’t work!” I know. I’m really, really sorry. You’ll have to go back through and make enough reductions to fund this really important twenty percent — your cushion. This is for when natural gas prices spike to all-time highs. Or your health insurance premium doubles. Or you need a crown. Or you underestimated your real expenses.

If you’re really stoked and ready to play, put another ten percent into savings, ten more into charitable giving and another ten into your investments. Doing so means you may have to re-jigger your spending until you get to a truly workable spending plan.

“Too much trouble” is what some of you are saying. I hear you and know just what you’re saying. Because I was once exactly like you. But while ignorance may be bliss, it doesn’t help when the bill collectors start calling. Take charge of your money, and, believe it or not, you take charge of your life.

Filed Under: Career Coaching, Happier Living Tagged With: , , , , , , Leave a Comment

What Are You Gonna Do?

October 12, 2008 By Leave a Comment



Know that moment when someone indicates the sheer futility of action — when they shrug their shoulders, and say, “What are you gonna do?” Hand gestures optional, of course.

“What are you gonna do?” suggests there’s really nothing you can do. The problem is way above your pay grade.

There’s a lot of “what are you gonna do?” going around these days. And it’s awfully darn easy to feel powerless and at the whim of people and forces greater than you. Sitting back and feeling small takes its toll, though. Adds to stress, depression and encroaching panic.

A wise man once wrote that “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step”. To get through the uncertainty and powerlessness so many of us feel because we don’t really know what we’re gonna do about the financial bubble, the housing bubble, the employment bubble, and the numerous other bubbles we hear about with alarming frequency — well, we can start by taking that first step.

Know your credit score. If there is a global credit crisis, people with good credit scores will be able to write their own ticket. Take a look at your credit report and make a strategy to raise your number. Each credit bureau will give you specific recommendations on how to do that. You might need to start by making your payments on time and in full. Or, if you have too many accounts, close some.

Start paying with cash. Yeah, I know. We’re used to whipping out the plastic. If you like the convenience of plastic, use your debit card. Oh, I hear you…you don’t have the money in your account to buy your three cups of $4 coffee a day. Do you know that you effectively pay an additional fifty cents for that cup of joe every time you use a credit card? And if you don’t pay off your balance in full, it compounds. Which, if I remember my math, means you pay…lots. Why not pay cash so you can keep on buying coffee down the road?

Beef up your job skills. I have had clients who have postponed the education or training their bosses have suggested. Just haven’t gotten around to it. But, believe me, when layoffs have to happen the most skilled and cooperative people will be the last to go. If training hasn’t been suggested to you, or if you own your own business, ask yourself: what can I learn that can make my work more productive? Then take that class.

Center in your strengths. I work with many coaches who are building their coaching practices. Too often, I see people struggle because they are not centering their business on their own strengths. Too often, they try to build their practices based on what someone told them works. Which often has nothing whatsoever to do with their own, individual strengths. Your strengths always energize you. Work from that place of power, and whatever your work is — it will thrive.

Double down. It’s tempting to face an uncertain economic situation and draw back. But while everyone is retreating in fear, you can move forward by being realistically optimistic. If your budget allows for it, double down on your marketing efforts. If your budget allows for it, take your kids to the fondue restaurant. If your budget allows for it, max out your retirement account.

Vote. One little action. So much power.

Live in gratitude. This morning I woke up and thought about the cheeseburgers I whipped up on the grill last night and was flooded with a wave of gratitude — I’m so grateful to be able to feed my family. Sound weird? Wouldn’t have been to my Dust Bowl-era grandmother.

Panic serves no one. Doesn’t make you happier, or more focused, or wealthier. So, “what are you gonna do?” You’re gonna take some healthy, strong steps away from panicked powerlessness — toward a happier life.

Sounds pretty good to me.

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