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Obsessed?

May 29, 2011 By Leave a Comment
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Back in the ’80s, a synth-pop-spiky-hair kinda band released a song called “Obsession”. Watch the video – it’s a hoot. The refrain went like this:

You are an obsession, you’re my obsession
Who do you want me to be to make you sleep with me?

Sometimes I blurt out this lyric when working with clients about their career – hey, it makes sense in the moment! – and ask them, “Who are you trying to be so you’ll be accepted? How are you contorting yourself to get approval?”

Believe it or not, this is often a very fruitful discussion.

Because so many people are obsessed with their jobs, and will do anything – anything! – to stay in them. Especially, (I am going to use the dreaded phrase) “in this economy”.

But obsession is obsession and implies a certain single-minded focus which is not always healthy. Kinda stalker-ish, if you want to know the truth. And when you’re obsessed, your judgment might not be clear. You might make compromising decisions.

You might put your integrity on the shelf in pursuit of your preoccupation.

You might forget who you are as you bend yourself to someone else’s desires.

You lose yourself.

“Michele, it’s hard to get a job out there,” you say. And I know it is. But one of the central tenets of a real career strategy is to be yourself.

Hard as that may be.

And if you attract a job while not being yourself, it’s probably not going to be that satisfying. Like a meaningless hook-up at an ’80s dance club.

Know your strengths. Understand your values. Serve your priorities. Say “yes” when you mean “yes”, and “no” when you mean “no.” Honor your integrity.

And when you do, you will take the right job, and keep the right job.

You will excel. On your terms.

Which is the best possible outcome of a career strategy.

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Filed Under: Authenticity, Career Coaching, Getting Unstuck Tagged With: , , , , , Leave a Comment

Whose Urgency?

February 20, 2011 By 2 Comments
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We’re standing in a ragged gaggle at a grown-up party.  Cocktails in hands.  Dressed up slightly for a Saturday night (nice jeans instead of the neighborhood’s traditional weekend uniform of yoga pants and sweats).  We’re feeling festive-ish, even.

When she says, “Michele is so funny.  I mean, you always say the funniest things.  Say something funny, Michele.”

All eyes turn to me.

And I got…nothing.

I mean, nothing.  My mind is totally blank.

Faintly, you can hear the sound of crickets in the distance.  Chirping.

I shrug. “It’s kind of hard to be funny on demand.”  I get a courtesy fake-laugh – because obviously I am so totally hilarious – and the gaggle breaks up. I wonder if I should have hauled out the joke that got me published in Highlights magazine as a fifth grader: What kind of ears do engines have? Engineers! (OK, I stole it off a bubble gum wrapper, but I was published!)

In this era of “on demand” everything, we often find ourselves in this same predicament – put on the spot to serve someone else’s needs – although it can come in other guises.

Your boss says:  “We have a great opportunity to get five tons of raspberries but we have to decide right now!”  The fact that you work at a law firm who has absolutely nothing to do with raspberries doesn’t feature – it’s an immediate opportunity and it moves to Urgent status.

And you got nothing but crickets chirping in the distance.

Because it’s stupid and a waste of time to even consider what you’d do with five tons of raspberries when you do contract law and, besides, you’ve got plenty of other things to do.

It’s like when your kid says: “Moooooooooom.”  Or: “Daaaaaaaaaaad.”  Even from another room, you know the tone.  You jump up from whatever you’re doing and run in there. Panting, you say, “What!?”  He needs you to find the remote.  She needs you to find a certain pink ponytail elastic.

In that moment, their urgency becomes your urgency.

And you’re just a little bit cheesed off.

Come on, you can admit it. It’s frustrating when will-’o-the-wisp, fleeting fancies that are urgent to someone else take you away from serving your own priorities.

What would happen if you said to your kid: “I am in the middle of something, honey. I can be there in five minutes.”  I’ll tell you what would happen. He’d find the remote.  She’d either find the ponytail thingy or decide on a headband.  They’d figure it out.

What if you said to the raspberry hoarding executive: “I am just wrapping up the Framastam contract.  Can you give me thirty minutes?”  

[As an aside, I know this makes you nervous because a boss is a boss and to be obeyed (it's amazing how many people tell me this - as if Odin, God of War himself were seated in the corner office - when I know for a fact that the guy in there is usually really uncertain, kind of frightened and slightly in over his head).]

But trust me, if you asked for thirty minutes, Mr. Raspberry 2011 would find another sucker co-worker to play out his drama. And you could get on with your business. 

What do you do, then, in your own life when faced with a figurative five tons of raspberries?

Well, when asked to drop your own priorities to adapt to the flaky urgency of another, my friend, take a deep breath and remember this simple mantra:

Let there be crickets.

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Filed Under: Authenticity, Clarity, Happier Living Tagged With: , , , , 2 Comments

What’s Important To You?

April 25, 2010 By 11 Comments



In the last couple of months I’ve written about getting un-stuck by choosing growth. About how you can never make a mistake when you are centered in integrity. About how you can, singlehandedly, turn around a challenging work environment – and how to leave a toxic job. I’ve written about creating a new way to measure your own success.

And now, the single most important thing you need to know.

Ready?

The most important thing you need to know is what’s most important to you.

I was standing in my kitchen the other morning, exhausted. It’s been that kind of week. Lots of people giving me unsolicited advice about who I should be and what I should be doing. A lot of assumptions made about me and who I am. Several well-meaning folks attempting to graft their yardstick of success on to me because, very obviously to them, I have fallen short.

As I stood there, baffled, buffeted, blue – and exhausted – I had the most wonderful epiphany.

The most important thing in my life became crystal clear.

My true priority revealed itself.

And in a moment I knew that everything would be OK – because, day in and day out I am serving what’s most important to me. To me. Not to the well-meaning and not-so-well-meaning folks I encountered last week.

I am putting my energy where I want it to go, and that’s the right thing to do.

Because my number one priority is being a present parent for my children.

And although you love me, well-meaning friends, and want to see me on the Today show, knee to knee with Matt Lauer, I’m not going to do it if it means I’ll miss my daughter’s softball game. I’m just not.

And although you don’t understand it, other folks, when I tell you that I’m not that interested in traveling to Marrakesh or Istanbul unless my kids can come too, I’m sorry.

And for those who think I should be making a ton more money than I do – that I’m “leaving it on the table” – you are absolutely right.

That’s a by-product of serving my priority.

Sure, I could be back in a corporate job with a fatter paycheck and juicy stock options. But that’s not my priority.

My kids are.

Let me clarify.  I am no helicopter parent.  I am not all up in my kids’ business.  When I say my kids are my priority, I have an intention.  And my intention is to be reliable, dependable, connected – present – for them.  Because that’s how I think independent, functioning, happy adults are formed. And my big responsibility is to sherpa them to their adult life.  That’s my job.

And I’ve chosen a career for right now that allows me to serve that priority as fully as possible. See, being a self-employed coach allows me to make some key decisions for myself.  For instance, I don’t work between 4pm and 7pm. Just don’t. That’s the time we go to the dermatologist (did I mention that they’re teenagers?), the dentist, the doctor, the orthodontist (did I mention that they’re teenagers?), and every other -ologist known to man.

Four to seven is softball practice and/or games. It’s the time for a run to Target for poster board. It’s when we walk the dogs, or practice a change-up. It’s time to sit on the sofa watching Ellen and discussing both marijuana use in middle school, and what constitutes a hootchie-mama outfit.

This is the golden time that we sit down to dinner together.

A couple of nights a week, I teach or take clients after seven, which works because that’s allegedly homework time (did I mention that they’re teenagers?).

It works. I make the all the money I want to make, I have the time to serve my highest priority.

But here’s the trick. Saying, “My kids are my number one priority” is pretty daggone politically correct. Who would publicly say otherwise without fear of being hauled into the town square (or Twitter) and being stoned by the community?

You are allowed to have your own priority. And it might be growing a business. Or climbing the corporate ladder. Or creating incredible art. Or treating malaria in Africa.

Wherever you spend most of your time, or want to spend most of your time, that’s your priority.

And if you are out of sorts, blue, off step – then look at how you are spending your time and creating your days. If you are spending time on stuff that’s not really your priority, start making some changes.

And you can start by putting your fingers in your ears, saying, “nah, nah, nah, nah, nah” to shut out the voices of folks who would tell you what your priority should be.

Filed Under: Authenticity, Getting Unstuck, Happier Living Tagged With: , , , , , 11 Comments

What Makes A Priority?

July 12, 2009 By 2 Comments

“I have priorities I can’t seem to get to.  What’s that all about?” she asked.  I nodded wisely because I really enjoy that, and people seem to expect it.  I’ve found that when I giggle at serious questions, people get all testy. So I chose the sagacious treatment and said:

“The deal with priorities is this:  if it doesn’t feel urgent, it’s not a priority.  If you don’t wanna, you’re not gonna. When there’s no urgency, it’s more like a dream, or a goal, or an idea.”

I wrote about this a few years ago — You Gotta Wanna. When you really, really wanna, you really, really will. Honest. Nothing will get in your way. Not even those chirping chronic excuse magpies — no time, no money, no knowledge — will  stand in your way.

If you wanna, you will.  And that’s what makes a priority.

To illustrate this point, let me turn to that classic book of literature  He’s Just Not That Into You by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo (which I happen to own in the hardcover first edition, by the way). To quote Liz quoting Greg: “…if a (sane) guy really likes you, there ain’t nothing that’s going to get in his way.”  Greg also says, “When a guy is into you, he lets you know it. He calls, he shows up, he wants to meet your friends, he can’t keep his eyes or hands off of you…”

Exactly.  There’s a sense of urgency.  Of keen interest.  Of priority.

Feeling murky on your own priorities?  Or, worse, paying lip service to something that never seems to get done (like, for instance, any sentence you start with, “One of these days, I’m going to…”)?

Maybe you just need to get clear on your priorities.  How?  Cinchy. All you need to know is this: Where you put your time reveals your true priorities.

So, think about it.  Where are you spending your time?

What does that tell you about your real priorities?

Sure, your priorities at the moment might be chasing toddlers, or monitoring teen driving habits, or taking care of an ill parent. That’s the reality of the moment for many of us.

Why not just own that?  Rather than beating yourself up for not getting your website up, or for not losing 30 pounds, or not finding the elusive cure for cancer while operating the lunar rover and simultaneously conducting the London Symphony. You know, the usual lofty expectations we have for our own performance.

Aren’t we supposed to aim high? Live big?  I dunno.  What feels big for me might feel minuscule to you, and vice versa.  That’s why I never feel comfortable arguing with someone else about their priorities.  We’re each the expert on our own lives and priorities that come with shoulds (as in, “You really should…”) put someone else in the expert’s chair. We end up serving their priorities, rather than our own.

One thing I know for sure — priorities certainly can be aspirational.  I have a priority to be a good enough mother.  I know, shooting really high with that “good enough”. But in the moments when I find myself less-than-present, I can say, “Michele, you have a priority around parenting — snap out of it and serve your priority, kiddo.”  And I do.

Because I really wanna be a good enough mother.  Don’t have to be a super-mom, or a cover-girl mom. I especially don’t have to be a perfect mom.  Lord knows that’s an impossible, losing objective.  And a whole other blog post.

When you are clear on your priorities and line up your time, attention and energy behind them, I am here to tell you — nothing will stand in your way.  Whatever you want to accomplish, you will. You will be the proverbial hot knife through butter, my friend, and you will find that the thing you are really into is… your own success.

Filed Under: Clarity, Getting Unstuck, Managing Change Tagged With: , , , , , 2 Comments

A New Normal

May 31, 2009 By 6 Comments


You want to know how to change.

You want to know how to serve your priorities and your values.

You want to know how to do stuff differently.

I know you want this, because you’ve told me. You say, “Why do I keep facing the same stuff all the time? Why can’t I do things differently?”

Well, how about this: When normal’s not working for you, just make a new normal.

Meredith is unhappy in her work. She has a boss who says one thing and does another, and the ground is always shifting beneath her feet. Her normal is stressful, unpleasant, unhappy and needs to change. She knows this.

However, there’s this issue of the economy, and her deep-seated belief that she should be able to turn the situation around, and that she shouldn’t walk away from a challenge, and that maybe she’s doing something really, really wrong and there’s no job that would be any different.

Her normal sucks.

But the way she’s looking at the prospect of a new normal equally sucks.

Unless…

Unless she can change just one thing. One tiny little thing. Toward a new way of being. Toward a new perspective. Toward a new normal.

Like, maybe, starting with a difficult conversation with her mercurial boss. Maybe, just maybe, calling him out on his inconsistencies. In a productive and collegial way, of course. By doing this one little thing, she’ll shift her quiet, don’t rock the boat, please-please-like-me normal into something a little stronger, a little prouder, a little better.

A new, happier, normal.

One area many clients have difficulty with is having difficult conversations. Does just reading that make your teeth grind? OK, difficult conversations are… difficult. Speaking up can be hard. Saying something that might, possibly hurt someone’s feelings is so scary that many of us avoid saying anything.

And we internalize those icky emotions and end up all sick and unhappy and psychically smoooshed.

But when we create a new normal — a normal where we say what’s hard when it’s just a little bit hard, rather than waiting until until it’s big time hard – we break the old patterns and create a new way of handling “hard”.

Habits are tough to break, mostly because they feel so known and, therefore, feel rather safe. A new normal can seem impossible to get, because we’re so familiar with what we’ve got.

Got to open your eyes to the possibilities, darlings, and dare to live a new normal. Because the payoff is big. The payoff is a life of your own design, doing things you like doing, with people you enjoy.

Change is possible, and good. Happiness is attainable. Hey, happiness — it’s your new normal.

Filed Under: Clarity, Managing Change Tagged With: , , , , , , 6 Comments
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